The Flawed vs The Flawless
by vague-as-fog
Summary: Everything in life was a challenge. Giving, taking, receiving. And sometimes, it can be a bit too much to handle. Lily&James DH spoilers
1. Sneaking and Sleeping

The Flawed vs. The Flawless

Rubbing her forehead, Lily Evans slipped around the corner noiselessly, years of patrolling having practiced her silence. The hand previously on her forehead went to her aching neck, kneading her fingers into the strained muscle. Seventh year was tough, but she wasn't one to complain.

She felt like she was doing something wrong, sneaking these corridors like one of the miscreants that normally walked the castle at this hour, she felt as if many eyes were watching her, and scrutinizing her every move. Paranoia crept up on her, and she shook her head to clear it away.

Lily checked her watch, ten fifty-five, time to get back to the common room. She pivoted on her heel, joyous that her shift was over. She hated these late night patrols, it meant she hadn't enough time to finish her essays after dinner, she had to do them when she got back.

How her co-head managed to keep was mystified her. But then again, he was James Potter, semi-boy genius, school hottie, all round nice guy, and touchy subject for one Lily Evans.

Lily almost groaned in frustration, remembering the Arithmancy assignment she had due the next day, the one she hadn't even started on, though she had received it four days ago. She silently thanked Merlin it was Friday tomorrow.

The Fat Lady at the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room smiled down at Lily's face with the crumpled forehead and slight shadows beneath her dull eyes. Any fool could see she was being worn down by the growing workload, and pressing emotional problems.

Lily climbed wearily into the Common Room, having tried to smile back at the kindly portrait, only to manage what looked like a deformed grimace, and probably scaring the poor painting for the night.

Too distracted to notice much, Lily collapsed in one of the plush armchairs that dotted the large common room. She lolled her head back, and closed her eyes, tired and grumpy, feeling as if she would punch something very soon.

"Penny for your thoughts?" James asked in his light, carefree voice, over on the opposite side of the room in Lily's perfect line of sight. She cracked an eyelid at him, peering at his handsome face.

Her heart stopped for a second in her rib cage, only to restart again, double time. "Just, you know, normal problems, three assignments, two essays, a missing cat and gossiping friends..." she mumbled, but he obviously heard, because his rumbling laugh washed over the room.

"I'd say I understand perfectly, but the only thing I get it the assignments and essays. I'm too scared to keep a pet other than an owl, and my friends aren't really the gossiping type," he said, mirth shining through his speech. Lily couldn't help but smile.

She 'hm'-ed and closed her eyes all the way again, thinking of how ironic it was that in their last year of schooling they realized that they made very good friends, and had a lot in common, and completely different thoughts on things. It made for a very interesting friendship.

It was also ironic how the year he seemed to grow up, Lily seemed to downsize. Feeling like a silly schoolgirl around him, while he seemed to be unaffected by her presence.

James smiled at her and shook his head before going back to his assignment, scribbling vigorously. They sat in a peace for a while, the only noise being the _scratch-scratch_ of James's quill nib on parchment, and the raw crackle of the fire as it crunched up the logs. Lily kept her eyes closed, very aware that she should be doing her Arithmancy assignment, and her Transfiguration and Potions essays. But really, she couldn't be bothered.

It seemed as if James was finished, as he rolled his parchment, placed it carefully into his bag and stood, stretching. "You done already?" she murmured in question, not opening her eyes, and barely moving.

"Uh huh," he spoke, "Don't stay down here too long, the fires sure to die down soon, and the elves won't be up to throw more logs on 'til while we're at class tomorrow."

"I won't."

He threw his bag over a broad shoulder, and walked to the stair case leading to the boy's dormitory. James stopped, turning back, "And Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget your Arithmancy assignment," he warned, before climbing the stairs easily, retreating to his dorm for a well earned sleep.

Lily groaned after she heard his dormitory door click shut, he always had a knack for that. Advising her of what she should and shouldn't forget. But he never seemed to be watching, for all he knew about her life.

She heaved herself off of the couch, and crept up to her dorm to retrieve all the homework that had piled up in the past days.

Sitting there in front of the fire, at almost half-past ten, Lily started to work on her assignment.

- X -

Lily woke to the sun pouring through the gap in the curtains that were drawn tight around her bed. She couldn't remember what time she'd gone to bed the night before, but she did know that the fire had died not long after she had finished her first assignment, and that the room grew cold shortly after her second.

She crawled out of bed, and then noticed the lack of activity in her dormitory. Lily swore, and looked over at the clock. She refrained a screech, the clock read nine forty-five, her first class was due to end in fifteen minutes.

Lily buzzed around her room, no point in going to her first class now, it was only Divination a useless class that one of her old friend's had bugged her into taking. She showered and changed slowly, pulling on her shoes and stuffing her bag with muggle notebooks and magical textbooks.

When she heard the bell ring through the school, she dragged her bag off her bed and ran down the dormitory steps and out of the common room. Lily hurried along until she was within the throngs of people, heading for her next class.

She took the pose she was normally seen in, slightly slouched and relaxed, with her messenger bag over one shoulder and draped over the opposite hip, scuffing her shoes as she walked along. She was strange and messed up, and hardly anybody seemed to care about her.

Today she'd let her straight red hair fall into her face, her fringe masking her eyes and most of her face, she shuffled into the classroom, taking a place in the middle.

James was late. He strode in a couple of minutes after the door had closed, their teacher frowned at him, but made no move in punishment. He simply let James trudge over to the last seat available.

Unfortunately, it was right next to Lily.

Inwardly she groaned, but outwardly she shrunk back and down into her chair more, so her shoulder was almost parallel to the desk, her arm reaching out grasping an eagle feather quill.

James shot her a look that clearly read, _where the hell were you before?_ To which she looked at him as if to say, _it's none of your bees-wax_. He shrugged in reply and sat back in his chair.

The professor began a very long and boring lecture about the importance of NEWTS, and Lily took this as a queue to let her mind wander. She didn't need this speech, not again.

A piece of paper landed itself on Lily's desk from beside her, she glanced through a sheet of red hair to peer at James. Only he looked as if he were paying attention, almost stock still except for the hand that fiddled with a quill. His ink bottle was open, there was ink drying on the end of his quill, red with gold tinged through.

Lily unfolded the parchment and saw the red tinted gold ink looped across the small space.

_You must've slept in. You look like you've had a proper night sleep, not just a three hour doze._

She smiled and discreetly unscrewed her ink lid.

You would think my dorm mates would've had the courtesy to wake me, don't you?

Lily flicked the paper across at him, and looked ahead at the professor, as not to make it look as if she were doing something wrong. But seconds later the parchment landed on her desk again.

_Maybe you looked peaceful?_

Lily suppressed an unknown emotion, and her heart swelled. He was acting hopeful, he didn't like to think that maybe Lily was just too weird for the girls of her dorm and they wanted her to fail everything.

No, they just don't like me very much.  


James frowned over the blunt honesty of her note, and didn't reply, he simply stared up at the teacher for the remainder of the class. After a while Lily gave up hope of receiving a note in reply, hope she knew she shouldn't have had in the first place, and she dragged her eyes up to the professor.

It was boring; she copied notes, and waved her wand without incantations, and barely paid attention to the class, absently picking at her fingernails. She still wanted him to reply, or say something nice, he always knew what to say, but it never struck her that maybe he needed some time to think of those nice, caring words he spoke.

The bell rang, shrill and piercing, and as Lily flipped her note book shut, a folded piece of parchment landed on her desk, she frowned and scooped it into her pocket. She capped her ink and dropped that and her quill in her bag, along with her books, and fled for the exit.

She slipped into a darkened recess in the wall, and pulled the note out of her pocket. Warily Lily folded it open.

_It's not that they don't like you, it's that they're jealous._


	2. Fear of Wanting

Lily reclined in her favourite arm chair around the fire, there was an open book face down in her lap, and a small smile on her face as she lay with her eyes closed. She seemed to be sleeping, but to the well trained eye, she was merely resting her eyes and relaxing her body. 

Like to James, who watched her intently from over the top of the Charms book he was meant to be reading from. He felt as if he were invading her privacy, but logic suggested he was doing nothing wrong. He was just watching.

She shifted a little, her right ankle rolling in a circle, James noticed that for the night she had slipped on those big slippers she loved so much. The ones in the shape of bear's feet, with fake claws and grip pads on the underside. He grinned at her eccentricity, for all the blandness and normality; it was little things like that that made him love her so much.

He moved his eyes back to his book, and then up to her again, asking himself how something so simple and everyday, could entrance him so much, and contain so much beauty and innocence. James liked that about her. Through all her hardships, and all the crap she and the rest of the magical world had gone through, she retained that innocence, and a childlike love of everything that was natural and living.

James shook his head, and really tried to concentrate on his book more, though his attempt failed miserably.

Lily could feel his eyes on her, she didn't mind though. James' eyes didn't bother her, it was the rest of the world's that did. She was glad she had finished her homework for the night, it was late, very late, almost midnight late, but it was the earliest she had been finished in months. There was now time to relax, and find an appropriate time to be James-like, and say something intelligent at the exact right moment.

Her skin tingled as her studied her, that was how she knew. Subconsciously, she always knew where he was, what he was doing, what company he kept. She didn't do it on purpose, it came naturally.

James breathed a loud sigh, and Lily fought of a comment. Not the right time. Not the right place.

Another couple of minutes passed, and his eyes didn't seem to shift, he seemed to be captivated by the way her lips were parted to release her breath, the way her fingers unknowingly taped a beat out on the arm of the chair, so slight that you had to watch for minutes just to know what was happening with her small pale hands.

He dragged his eyes from her again, desperate to finish reading these Charm's chapters for tomorrow's lesson before one at least. James was annoyed with himself, he couldn't even keep his attention from wandering when she was in the room, it was like his mind was a dog on a very slack leash.

"Am I distracting you?" Lily murmured, right place, right time, barely cracking an eyelid, inwardly noticing that their most interesting, personal conversations always happened deep into the night, early into the morning.

"Not really," James breathed, snapping his book shut and giving up hope. He'd finish in the morning, or in his free period tomorrow.

"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem as if you can concentrate on that Charms book very well." She could speak quietly, the fire was dying and there wasn't any wind on this bare spring night.

"And you are getting so conceited to think that _you_ are my distraction?" he joked, and mimicked her movements, leaning right back in his chair, stretching the length of his body out.

Lily flushed slightly. "Who else would it be?" she questioned innocently, not once opening her eyes more than a crack.

"You are totally right. Other than you, who is there to distract me?" he proclaimed dramatically, and leaned his head right back into the soft cushions behind him, loosening the cricks in his neck.

Lily snorted in reply, and realized that she was flirting with him, and that if she didn't want something awkward to come of this, she would stop. Now.

She coughed and James stiffened in his seat, she coughed like that when she was uncomfortable, and here he was, the cause of her discomfort. "I'm sorry..." he muttered, and jumped out of his chair, he passed her on the way to the boy's dorm steps.

Lily's eyes flew open, she liked his company, she didn't want him to leave. From her chair she reached up, catching his wrist as he passed, "Don't go yet," she whispered.

James turned his head, looking at her from over his shoulder. Easily, he turned all the way round, looking at her helpless, uncomfortable figure. He smiled gently, and twisted the wrist that she had gripped until he held her hand.

He held it loose enough that she could pull her hand away at any second, but not so loose that her hand would simply slip out of his. "I really do have to go," he murmured and brought her hand to his lips, kissing the top of her hand lightly.

He released her and escaped to the stairs leading to the boy's dormitory. He gave her one last smile before disappearing into the shadows, leaving Lily breathing shallowly and rubbing the top of her hand, fizzing with excitement and nerves.

"That was pleasant..." she muttered, before doing the same as James and retreating to her dorm.

- X -

Lily hunkered over her breakfast, seemingly protecting her cereal from any passers-by. Her hair fell in curls around her face, and one hand gripped the side of her bowl while the other held a silver tablespoon, she was as close as she could possibly get to the table, and her legs were entwined, her shoes loose and slipping down her feet.

Why was she acting so strange?

Well, she was trying to divert the attention from a certain somebody from her. Because the event that had happened the night before, had scared the hell out of her. The feel of his lips pressed softly against her hand still lingered, and the memory of his smile was etched into her mind. And what was worse, she didn't want the image or the feeling to go away.

In fact. She wanted more.

And that was what really worried her.

James Potter was meant to be out-of-bounds. Besides the fact that they were now friends, if they mysteriously started dating she would be on the hit list of almost every female that populated Hogwarts (excluding the professors of course). And that would be bad. She would be dead within the week.

So, here she was, desperately trying to avoid one James Potter, while eating her regular bowl of Corn Flakes, and worrying about being killed by over one hundred raging females simply because James Potter's lips had touched her hand.

Well, not exactly that. It was more like James Potter's lips had touched her hand and now she wanted them to touch her other places...

Things were becoming mighty complicated in Lily Evans' life.

Especially when James came meandering up the aisle between the Gryffindor table and the Ravenclaw table and placed his bottom right next to hers.

_Shit..._ Lily thought desperately, and peered out the sheet of red hair frantically for an escape. But he just slipped next to her, until under the table their knees brushed on the side, even though hers were locked together in an attempt to steer clear of him.

"G'morning," he mumbled easily, as if nothing had happened, and reached over her to grab the jug of pumpkin juice!

_Why is he acting like nothing happened????_ Lily's mind screeched, green eyes widening at his indifference towards her. She mumbled back at him, something that roughly resembled the word "Hi" before slinking lower in her chair and staring into her bowl of soggy cereal.

James didn't say anything else, noting Lily's strange behavior even through the fading strings of sleep. He was quite happy with that actually. It meant she was thinking all to much about one particular subject, a subject she knew she shouldn't ever spend too much time dwelling on.

Understandably, that subject was him.

Lily's mind was partly blank, she couldn't think properly, unless it was on the way his leg was slightly leaning against hers, or they way that when he leaned over her to pick up something she got a whiff of the heady scent that seemed to follow him. She tried to swallow one of the butterflies that seemed to have risen back into her mouth. But that might have been her breakfast.

Secretly, Lily hated herself when she turned into a blundering fool, but who didn't? She stood clumsily from her chair, pushing her feet back into her shoes and scooped up her bag. She turned to leave.

How unfortunate it was that a) the chair happened to be in her way, and b) she was holding her bag upside down, meaning that as she fell over what she muttered was a "use-less piece of fucked up wood", the entire contents of her bag spilled onto the floor between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables.

"Ah shit," she mumbled, and closed her legs as to save what remained of her dignity. James was up and down next to her before she could take a deep breath and analyze the sticky situation she seemed to have placed herself in.

"Are you alright?" James asked her, with his hand on her shoulder, which sent her heart was racing and her skin zinging again. Lily didn't answer, and he looked at her calmly, he must've known something strange was happening... Like her internal organs were rearranging with every second he spent with that longing look in his eyes and that hand on her shoulder.

The words Lily contemplated speaking choked her, and she nodded very seriously. Apart from her pride being slightly bruised and the blood rushing to her cheeks at extreme speed, she was perfectly fine. Oh, she might have been having a heart attack to, but that wasn't anything to worry about.

"Uh, fine, perfect, brilliant, excellent, need I say more?" she said rather quietly, her voice unusually high pitched. He took his hand off her shoulder and stood, shaking his head a little, pitying her perhaps.

Lily clambered up and stood there awkwardly as James waved his wand and collected her stuff into her bag. "Thank you," Lily muttered when James handed her her bag, turned and jogged out of the hall quickly.

"Maybe she forgot something back at the tower?" James questioned under his breath, before returning to his breakfast.


	3. Sweet Silence

There was silence in the library, just as Lily liked it. Just as it always was. There was a measly half an hour left until closing time, and so she took the time to stroll around the shelves, browsing the books and running a finger over countless spines, worn and brittle against her skin.

Lily reveled in the peace and quiet, almost everyone had cleared out a while ago, intent on getting some rest. There was only the odd seventh or fifth year lingering, still studying rapidly for their OWLs or NEWTs.

The day had been hectic, awkward and embarrassed around James, she had scrambled for safety every time he came near. She was clueless as to why she was so nervous around him. Every time he came near, she felt her heart skitter in her chest, miniature whirlwinds springing to life in her stomach and her vision clouded and fogged until she could see him and only him. Lily felt her blood race faster even thinking of him, another thing she had also been avoiding.

But it seemed it was impossible to escape her thoughts. Whenever James popped into mind, Lily thought of what else could have happened in the common room that night. She imagined him kissing her, and then her walking around the school with her, holding hands with her head on his chest. It made her insides swim and swirl, and she smiled at these thoughts. Because the idea of them being a couple didn't seem quite so far-fetched anymore. Not since they had gotten to know each other this year. Not since he had changed.

Turning the corner, Lily smiled to herself.

And promptly smacked into something, stumbling backwards a few steps, the smile falling from her lips.

"Ow..." she murmured, rubbing her forehead, which had taken the most of the hit. Lily looked up at her attacker, and her eyes lit up with joy.

"Sev!" she half-yelled excitedly, hoping that there wasn't some magical way he had read her thoughts before, because Severus Snape may have been her friend. But he certainly wasn't a fan of James Potter.

"Evans," Severus snarled back at her, hurting Lily more than anything else in the world could've. His tone scared her, and it seemed like her realized it, because his expression softened.

She looked up at the familiar face properly, ingraining every new line and wrinkle in his forehead in her memory. He looked different. Among the hooked nose, high angular cheekbones and jutting chin, there was something unusual. They seemed the same, but his eyes said something was troubling him. Something weighed on his shoulders, and that something was heavier than exams or the fact that it was his last year here at Hogwarts.

"What happened to you Sev?" Lily whispered at him, making a reach for his cheek, only to have him step back angrily.

"Nothing," he snapped, trying desperately to keep his face angry and distasteful. "You're always hanging around with Potter and his friends now. You should know better than anyone else what kind of traitors they are..."

The sharp comment jabbed at Lily's insides, she felt as if her dinner was about to come up. Tears sprang to her eyes and she swatted them away with the back of her hand. "Why are you so cruel to him? He saved your life whether you like it or not. You owe him that much. You owe me that much." Her words were hushed and heated, not wanting to be over-heard, but wanting him to hear and understand everything she said.

One of Snape's pale, spidery hands reached up to smooth the hair back from his forehead. "I don't owe him or you anything. I didn't need saving, and I never needed your sympathy.

Before she could haphazardly swipe it away, a tear rolled down her cheek, and for a second, Lily saw something broken in his stormy gaze. But he was already a lost cause, he had swapped sides a long time ago, there was nothing she could do to bring him back now.

"You know, James was right about you, all along. I had hoped he was wrong, because I know that your a good person Sev. But those friends of yours are no good, and they've set your mind against everything you believed in." It broke Lily's heart, saying the words that were truth. But it was true. Severus hadn't gone within a foot of her since the incident at the end of last year. Where James had saved his life, where he had found out about Remus.

Snape stayed silent, letting her words settle over him in a blanket of discomfort, he squirmed slightly, and turned his face away from her.

Before Lily walked around him, she gripped his chin gently and turned it to face her. She offered no escape, with soft eyes she looked at him, through the flimsy facade he had created in his eyes, masking the real him. "I'm really going to miss you Sev, and I know you'll miss me," she whispered, and stood on tip-toes to brush a kiss to his cheek. He was rigid under her light touch, yet when she removed her hand and stepped around him, she knew he missed her already.

- X -

Lily sat alone in the Three Broomsticks, cradling a half-full bottle of Butterbeer in her hands. There was noise everywhere, but she was in her own little world, a bubble wrapping around her and her sprawling thoughts. She stared out the window, blankly staring at the hills that rolled on behind the small village.

It was a nice day, the sun was out and the sky was blue dotted with a fluffy white clouds. A gentle breeze pushed and pulled on the cloaks of the people outside, laughing and talking with their friends. At the back of her mind, Lily wished she could be like one of them, a giggly and happy person. Like she used to be. But then girls in her year were shallow, and the minute James had stopped harassing her, they had gone in search of another way to get his attention.

She hadn't cared when those girls had left her, they had never acted like her friends anyway. Only sitting with her when there was no one else around for them, and only talking to her when James was in view. Lily was better off on her own, then no body nagged at her, or bragged about something, or gossiped about other girls. She still called them her friends, because she was still known as one of their's.

The chair opposite her was pulled away from the table, and if there had been less noise around it would've scraped and screeched against the wooden flooring. Seconds later, James had dropped himself in front of her, looking as windswept and handsome as ever.

"Finally!" he said in relief. "I've been looking for you _everywhere_! You just keep disappearing!"

Lily put her bottle on the table and dropped her head into her arms. She groaned on the inside, feeling a rush of blood to her head, and all sensible thought escaping her. "Hullo James," she muttered sullenly, sitting up properly and taking a mouthful of Butterbeer.

The magical drink made her tongue and lips tingle with warmth, and sent heat down her throat to spread throughout her body. She tried hard to think of anything but another thing that would make her mouth fizz like the Butterbeer did. Anything but the certain boy across from her.

James startled her out of her daydream, or lack of daydream, by asking, "Is everything ok?" in a soft, caring voice that made her joints wobble. When she lifted her eyes from her hands to his face, she had to swallow hard. His lips were there. His lips made her mind swirl at a hundred miles an hour.

She scrambled for words as she averted her gaze. "I'm fine," she said, forcing happiness into her voice. He hummed in acknowledgment, and it almost seemed as if he wanted to say something more, but didn't. Lily shot a distracted smile at him, still not meeting his eyes.

A question buzzed in Lily's mind, and she itched to ask it. It was inappropriate and personal, and the answer might hurt her, or hurt him to say it. But at the present point, she really didn't care, her heart hurt with the realization she was never going to be friends with Severus anymore, and if James understood her like he said he did, he wouldn't care that it was her who asked the question.

James saw the hesitance in her face, etched in her skin and spilling outwards for him to see. "Spit it out Lily," he told her, strong and demanding. She sighed in answer and took another guzzle from her drink.

"Why me James? Why couldn't it have been some other girl?" She sounded determined, but her insides radiated the feeling she got when she saw all the girls and their friends outside. The feeling she got when she missed something, or when she desperately wanted to miss something. It was all the loneliness she had gone through as a younger student, not having any friends in her dorm because she was quick-tempered with a sharp tongue, studious and shy.

The question startled him, and he seemed unprepared to answer. Lily fixed her stare on his throat, and watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. His jaw dropped down and then came back up, something to say, but nothing to voice it with.

Noting his discomfort, she saved him from potential embarrassment, "I mean, there are plenty of fish in the see. But you had to go for me."

This time his words came quickly, "Yes, but you're an extremely cute fish. And all the other fish look dreadfully alike with their blond and brown and black. You sparkle."

Smiling, Lily took the time to glance up at James' face and blinked. A blush stained her cheeks at his compliment, and in turn, he reddened. This was an unusual turn-around. She had never been flattered by his words before, as far as he was concerned, she had barely ever come close to batting an eyelid at him. But here they were, pink in the face and looking around like the awkward teenagers they were.

Gulping down the rest of her Butterbeer, Lily stood. "I'm going back up to the castle." She flashed him another grin. "I'll see you later then?"

James' return smile was wide and infectious, "Yeah," he said calmly, but couldn't help the excitement over-run his features. The prospect of seeing Lily again lightened his mood, and his childish face sent her heart soaring from where it had fallen.

There was a jump in Lily's step as she left The Three Broomsticks.


	4. Why Is It Always Late?

James entered the Gryffindor Common Room, well aware that it was almost one in the morning, and even more aware he had classes the next day. By now, his yawns were so big they cracked his jaw, but he had needed the fresh air. Needed the peace and quiet. Plodding over to a large armchair, he flopped into it, weary to the bone and wishing he could just not go to classes all the next day. 

Unfortunately, he was not alone in the Common Room. Fortunately, his only companion was Lily, head down and scribbling away, a welcome sight. She made James feel home, where ever she went she seemed to ooze comfort and warmth. Even in the glares she used to give him.

Lily seemed just a tired as he did, she must've been working all day, even though it was a Sunday and one of the few days of rest that they were granted. But then again, it was Lily's 'thing' to study on weekends. Even if she did have relevant reasons, like NEWTs, or a certain boy plaguing her thoughts.

James watched her glance up at him, smile and then look back down at her work. His heart soared and his blood raced with that one smile, and making him feeling mighty pathetic.

With her eyes on the page, Lily contemplated teasing him about how he was back before two, and decided against it. Her mind quickly ran away with thoughts and ideas, scenes that were a possibility, scenes that made her stomach flutter and her lips tingle. That was not good, this was not good.

"You look really tired Lily," James muttered, and it took Lily by surprise. She looked up at him, into his face and into his eyes, noting the dark circle around his eyes, half hidden by the frame of his glasses. His translucent skin seemed to sag, carrying the weight of everything, the corners of his mouth tilting down, even when he smiled.

"I'm not the only one," she countered, and finally pushed her work away from her, finished. He nodded in a sad agreement, sighing.

As tired as she was, Lily didn't want to go. She didn't want to leave him, he radiated peace and innocence and he made her feel good. There was so much she wanted to say, but even though the words were in her head, she couldn't form them in her mouth. She had an inkling he felt the same way.

"You should go to bed, we have classes in the morning." Lily wondered whether he was just worried about her, or he wanted her to leave him alone. Or he wanted her to admit she didn't want to go, and then go back to his old ways and prove that she really was head-over-heels in love with him, and never wanted to leave his side.

All three thoughts worried her. They all made her feel sick.

"I don't want to go to bed just yet," she murmured at him, and turned her face into the back of the couch. There was a rustle and James was moving, she hoped he wasn't leaving with all the energy left in her. Thankfully he didn't.

What he did instead, surprised her as much as it cheered her, because James had moved over to her, lifted her in his arms and then sat on the couch with her on his lap and in his arms. He marveled at how light she was in his arms, and how his hands fit perfectly into her body.

Body heat passed between the two of them, warmer than the crackling fire, and much more comfortable that the flames. Lily's heart was racing at an awkward speed, too fast and too slow, never had she been this close to him before. Very quickly she settled into his chest, her temple resting on his collar bone feeling the beat of his heart as unsteady as hers.

It was nice to know she had an equal effect on him.

Sleep threatened to take over, this was as good as any bed. Lily wouldn't let her eyes close, she would be asleep in seconds and wouldn't wake up until her body was rested enough. Since she hadn't really slept properly in weeks, she would've still been dead this time tomorrow. Which could, in turn, lead to embarrassing situations and the death of one Miss Lily Evans, because falling asleep on James would probably be classed as sleeping with him. And by the time the story had circled the school, it would've escalated into much more than just sleeping.

But just because her eyes weren't closing, didn't mean she wasn't mentally falling asleep. Lily snuggled in deeper to his chest, making sure to keep her eyes wide, she brought a hand up to sit next to her head on his chest.

"I would tell you a bed time story," James' voice rumbled through his throat and body, Lily felt it rather than just hearing it. "Only, I can't remember any." He chuckled and her mind went blissfully blank at the sound.

Her whole body tingled from his body vibrating when he spoke, her hand felt like it was furry on the inside and all the little hairs were tickling her veins. She brought the hand up to her face to inspect it further, Lily then put her hand in front of James' face for him to see. Groggy with sleep she asked, "Can you see it James?"

James smiled at her, finding her completely adorable and not at all stupid. "See what?" He was kind with his words, understanding she was sleepy and probably wouldn't remember anything the next morning. Her eyes looked up at him, wide and child-like, a bright, emerald green.

"What you do to me," Lily stated her words like it was the simplest thing in the world, clumsy with her sleep ridden speech. "See all the fuzzy, you do that. It's not very nice you know, it tickles." She tried glaring at him, but she was too tired. All she looked like she was doing was squinting.

James shook his head, amazed. _Sleeping Lily's don't lie_, was the thought that ran through his mind. "I'm sorry Lily, but you do the same to me," he whispered softly, and pressed his lips to her forehead. The simple kiss was warmth, branching out from the spot like a tree's roots, filling up every part of her body as if it were the soil. It filled her with a desire for more, but Lily wouldn't let it control her, even though it felt like her lips were aching for his.

He watched Lily run her tongue over her bottom lip, and then her top one. She was driving him crazy, and she didn't even know it. Biting back a groan, and pushing down the gut instinct to kiss her properly, James turned his head away. He wouldn't ruin their friendship, even if it meant he went insane from her ignorance. He was sure she knew what she did to him, but repressed the knowledge as much as she could. There was nothing there for her, and as much as it hurt him, he also understood.

Lily was suddenly extremely aware of everything. His heart thudding against her ear, his lips still a whisper over her forehead, her hand pressed against his chest. One of the butterflies in her stomach had risen to her throat, and noticed for the first time that her nose was inches away from his bare skin, the smell of it was over-whelming her. Almost random thoughts about his skin popped into her head, would it tickle him if she touched him? Would he be disgusted? Would he think she meant something by it?

Everything was too soon and too close. James was surprised when Lily went tumbling out of his lap to stand in front of him. She opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it, gaping like a fish, silent like a fish too. Nodding gravely at him, she spun on her heel and began to collect her things from the table.

"Lily..." James breathed, and stood as well.

"I, I just," she choked on her voice, her body willed her not to say anything. "I just... _Can't_." It took all her effort to get the words out, it hurt too, when he just smiled at her.

"I know, I know."

Facing him, Lily let James walk towards her, and then put a hand on her face tenderly. "When you can, I'll be waiting for you." His voice was relieved, he was almost happy that she had made a conscious decision not to do anything with him, not to be anything with him. There was a difference between a flat out "No" and a "I can't", she had thought about being with him, and decided against it.

It was James' sick sense of humour and intelligence that got the better of him there.

Feeling slightly stupid and still sleepy, Lily leaned into his fingers, eyes half closing and relaxing her face. There was something in the air, strung out between them, and then stretching every which-way. It was hot and cold, light and dark, love and hate. Everything in the world feeling right and beautiful.

Almost as if in slow motion, James bent down and kissed her softly on the lips, making her blood boil and her heart race faster. She couldn't bring herself to respond, not yet anyway. Within seconds he had pulled away entirely, withdrawing his hand and his mouth.

Lily moved around him with her arms full of paper and books. He stood so still he was lifeless, staring at the ground and restraining himself from doing anything rash. She looked back as she walked up the stairs, he never moved a muscle.

It wasn't until she was lying in her bed with the curtains drawn tight around her did Lily feel herself breathing again. She smiled up into the roof, only regretting not kissing back.

Because his lips were everything she had ever imagined, and then some.


	5. Emotional Woes of Truancy

He rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. It was all a bit much for one boy to handle. All he wanted was for it all to go away and leave him alone. But the world was cruel and unmerciful, he was to endure the suffering and the heartache. The pain of it all made him like the world, cold and harsh, just so it wouldn't hurt as much as it could. The ending of things wouldn't have such an impact on the world if they cared about him less.

As much as he hated everything about life and the living, he cared for it, loved it even. He felt like it was his goal to protect it, keep it safe by holding it out carefully in front of him, avoiding all obstacles and never letting it fall to the ground. Detaching himself from them saved them, while slowly killing him.

Greasy hair fell around his face, he smelled bad and looked worse, pretending not to care about everything meant he shouldn't care about himself. He hadn't showered properly in a week, hadn't brushed his teeth or combed his hair with anything but his fingers. His dorm mates didn't care, they knew he was tough and willing to do whatever their leader needed them to do. Brilliant and haughty, he never expected an error, always knew exactly what to do.

They looked up to him, and they trusted him, but before he had had a real friend, someone who truly cared about him, and wanted to keep him safe from harm. He had thrown that away, stupidly and carelessly tossed it away like it meant nothing to him. But it had, it had meant the world, and much more. The feeling of being included and loved had been overwhelming whenever she was near, maybe that was why he had done it. The feelings he got with her we suffocating, pulling away was the only solution.

Or so he had thought at the time. Now it hurt tenfold. But his sacrifice was another's gain, and that thought alone encouraged him. Finally he pulled himself out of bed, swaying slightly on the spot. There was something saying that today would be better, today wouldn't be as hard.

Severus was wrong, as he was with all things emotional and personal. The day would be harder than any.

-X-

They stood close to one and another, fingers brushing and hearts racing. Lily was dying to get inside, the anticipation was killing her, being so close to him after what had happen made her nervous. His heart was in his throat, and nothing but the removal of her from his presence would fix that.

James felt his hand tingle as it touched hers lightly, he wanted to twist it and grip her hand in his, never let it go and never want to. That was not allowed though, she wasn't prepared to be so intimate with someone, she couldn't handle being with someone and holding their hand, kissing them and holding them on cold, Winter nights. Something in her had never been ready for a relationship, which was the reason none of her earlier boyfriends had lasted. They whined about her being too 'tight' and prudent to want to do the things that couples should do.

The classroom door swung open to reveal their elderly professor, and the students stumbled in as if all joined at the hip. James, stronger and sturdier stayed put, while Lily was swept away with the crowd. Absence makes the heart grow strong, all it did to them was drive them insane. It was a lose/lose situation, together they were awkward and uncomfortable, apart, the will to live disappeared.

The two delved into their former selves, James bright and arrogant, laughing and joking up the back of the classroom. Lily went straight to the middle, slouching and alone, all eyes and ears to the front of the class. No one could tell there was something up, today was just another day.

Sun shined through the windows and glinted off of the bottles of ink in each desk, it was warm and the majority of the classroom dozed while the professor explained how their NEWTs would go. It was a shock to realize that they graduated in a little over two weeks, and that scared the hell out of Lily.

Half listening, she realized she hadn't done as much as she would've liked to. She had never skipped class just to visit the kitchens, or bask in the heat. She had never just randomly done something, like swam in the lake, or suddenly done something with a friend. Everything was planned and organized. That killed her. Never had she felt like such a goody-two-shoes. There wasn't an ounce of rebel in her.

The class went quick, and Lily didn't care that she didn't take one note, or even absorb a word the professor had said. What was the point? There was nothing left to know about their exams, nothing left to care about. All the worry had been pushed out of their minds, so sure that they knew every trick of the trade, every twist and turn of the maze. If they failed, so be it.

She blustered out of the classroom, on her way to Potions when she thought of something, and ducked behind a suit of armor. Seconds later her hand shot out, and she gripped James by the arm and held him back.

"Skip class with me?" Lily asked sweetly, her face inches from his.

James choked on his breath, nodding gravely before turning around to see if the coast was clear. Her hand clasped gently in his, he led her out and down the corridor. People still lingered, but most scurried to class in the few seconds after the bell. The semi-quiet was food for thought, and prevented the awkwardness of their silence, peace was evaded while both of their insides squirmed to get closer to one another. Their hearts beat with irregular thumps, harder and faster as if trying to gain momentum and then jump out and grip onto each other.

He pulled her around, taking random twists and turns through walls, tapestries and doors, there didn't seem to be an order or direction in which he was taking her. James never let go of her hand as they strolled around the school, never once hurrying or changing speeds, Lily found herself liking their innocent walk very much. Probably much more than she should have, seen as how she was skipping class with the boy she had previously hated.

It was hard not to sink into his side as they moved in unison, James smelled clean and he was warm and sturdy. He wasn't going to collapse under her the moment she did something different, and it was the security of him that she loved most.

Lily contemplated, did she love him? Was love finding the other part of yourself in another, other opinions, other thoughts, other knowledge. Arguing over the little things, and then the big things, without ever falling apart and staying angry. Was is having independence, and complete trust in them. Or was it dependence, harmony and simplicity.

She didn't want a love without beauty, without staying in bed together all day because there was nothing to get out of bed for. No, she had never been in a proper relationship, she didn't know what she was doing with a boy, but Lily knew what she wanted, and that was enough.

The halls had long since cleared, and there was the distant yelling of a professor in this corridor. They were on the seventh floor, and for the past few seconds James had been leading her up and down the same stretch of stone flooring. A door appeared and he smiled at her, with misty eyes and sincerity.

Never before had Lily seen James so utterly speechless. He hadn't ever run out of things to say to her, normally she couldn't get him to quit with the chatter. His silence didn't worry her though, it was soothing, just being around him lately seemed to do wonders for her well-being.

James swung the door open, and pulled her inside, letting go of her fingers as to give her more space to marvel at where he had taken her. Lily didn't gasp or stand slack-jawed, he wouldn't have expected that, it would've been over the top and drastic, where as the dependable head girl was anything but. Inside however there was a massive hole where air rushed through and whirled around. She had never seen a place so magnificent in her life.

It was a library, and then not a library. A fire crackled in the corner, large puffy arm chairs and sofas scattered across the room while books in worn mahogany shelves lined the walls. A spiraling stair case led to a desk and more shelves, brimming with even more books. Slightly overwhelmed, Lily walked forward, stepping on the backs of her shoes to free her feet.

Sinking her toes into a rug, she sighed. "It's nice isn't it?" James questioned, standing next to her again and still smiling down at her. There was something unreadable on his face, a strangely beautiful reaction to her happiness, and her child-like wonder at how the carpet felt under her feet, or how many books the room held, what they were about. He could feel her wanting to read them all, to know every line of text written for this room.

"James, it's better than that. It's amazing." Her wide green eyes turned to him, and James felt his gut give a wrenching tug, pushing on his ribs. Without a second thought, Lily wrapped her arms around his middle and gave a tight squeeze. "Thank you."

Her red head was pressed to his collar bone again, and her palms were pushing onto his shoulder blades, his broad shoulders were too much for her to wrap around. His arms went around her completely, and they stood like that, surrounded by the sound of their hearts beating, and their lungs filling in time. There was no wish to move, there wasn't a need to move. She wasn't ready for a relationship, no. But being able to have her like this was enough for James, as long as she was here, and willingly to spend her time with him, he was happy.

Much to James' and Lily's surprise, the door creaked open, and they opened eyes they hadn't realized had been closed. Still tangled in arms, they looked to the door, and there stood Severus, slouching and sallow. His nose drooped, his hair greasy and unkempt, there was a certain defeated look about him, and once again, Lily's heart broke.

Snape was surprised to see them like that, they had only been friends a week ago, and now here they were, holding each other like long-lost lovers. Whatever mood he had been in soured, breakfast rose to his mouth, sick to the stomach of seeing Lily, his Lily, in the arms of another. To make matters worse, that other was James Potter, a sworn enemy. He still remembered the night he had been rescued by a valiant James, the memory made him feel even worse. The sight grew tentacles and fangs, uglier and uglier in his mind as the seconds passed.

His mind tickled with visions of him in James place, and the feeling in his stomach wasn't a bad egg eaten that morning. It was purebred jealousy.

As if shot at the feet Lily sprung up and away from James, this was not good. No one else was meant to know that she and him were together, and no matter what sort of past Severus and her had, he would most likely go and tell everyone what he had seen. Frantically, she reminded herself that they weren't together, and nothing was going on between them, but the thought of everyone thinking they were a couple didn't bug her as much as it should have.

James and Lily stood awkward under the eyes of Snape, like two teenagers in a Muggle film caught kissing by a parent. Nothing was said, he just backed out of the door frame and slammed the door angrily.

As he stormed over the school in search of solitude and a place to brood, Severus Snape realized that he no longer owed James for saving his life, because he had given up the one thing in his life that meant more than his own. In exchange for his life, he had given up Lily to Potter. And with all his heart, he wished him a happily ever after with her in his life forever.

* * *

_id like to thank all my reviewers for all the encouragement. i wish i could reply to the reviews, but i cant, and theres only so much thanking a girl can do. im a bit curious as to why i get so may 'added to favourites' and 'added to story alert list' messages, and not many review ones. its a little sad. i like reviews. so, as compensation. your reviews, earn you chapters quicker. D i wont put a limit or a goal for you to reach. thats cruel. but when i have a particularly nice review, i'll get right onto the writing, and upload another chapter. sounds good?_


	6. Awkward Isn't Peace But It'll Do

The silence was awkward after Snape left, James stood a few paces away with his head down, Lily had her mouth open slightly, leaning forward as if to run after her old friend. Unknowingly, Severus had torn a new hole in Lily's heart and it hurt more the second time. Seeing his face riddled with jealousy sent a rush of nausea through her, embarrassing James.

Oddly, Lily didn't feel like crying. Instead she wanted to scream and scream until her lungs ripped out her throat and left her red and raw. Nothing could hurt more at the moment, but when she looked at James, she knew there was one thing she would miss more. Never seeing his face, his smile, his hair again, it would take more than a piece of her. It would tear her soul from her body and leave her with a vast emptiness that could never be filled.

She didn't know if it was love, or just a feeling of completion, but something in the air and the world drastically changed in the minutes of silence. It was a good change, but it frightened her.

"He's in love with you you know," James said, breaking the silence with a loud crack of hammer on chisel. When Lily turned her eyes to him and straightened, he still looked down, ashamed even. The words were surprising to hear, but they were true. Somewhere, Lily had known all along that that was how Severus had felt about her. There had been those moments when he looked as if he was about to say something, but nothing came out. Maybe those were the times he was going to tell her, only the words were never right, neither was the time or place.

"I think I did," and then Lily felt the rush of heat behind her eyes. She promised herself she wouldn't cry, not now anyway. She would when it was late at night and the other girls were sleeping, but not now.

Lily wanted to hug him again, just to feel secure somewhere. Out on her own she felt oddly small and insignificant, vulnerable even. As if reading her thoughts, James reached a hand out to grip her fingers, enclosing them in his warm palm. It wasn't his embrace, but it was just as good, just as comforting.

"I'm sorry for whatever happened between you two. I know you used to be good friends," were his whispered words, tugging on her hand childishly. There was genuine sadness on his face, he never liked Ol' Snivelly, but he had been her friend and her loss was his loss.

"It's okay James," Lily choked out, knowing that her and Snape had gone there different ways because there was no where left for them to go except backwards and away. He loved her, and wanted her. All Lily ever wanted was for him to be her friend, she loved him like a brother, never anything more. Tears still pushed at her eyes, and she let her eyelids fall to stop the flow. Trapped, they didn't move any further.

Finally, Lily got herself under control and opened her eyes again. "Well, I think I'm going to have a look around," she stated, and he loosened his hand to let her fall away. She walked away from him, and James watched her. He memorized the way her hair swayed, and she had the self-conscious walk of someone who didn't know they were beautiful. Her stockinged feet slid on the carpet a little as she moved, James was worried she might slip and fall, as clumsy as she was, but there was an odd grace about her today and no chance of falling.

Thinking about losing her made James feel nervous. He wondered how he would live without her. Would he be able to exist still? Or would he fade away into nothing. It was daunting, the thought of having no more Lily in his life. At best, he would be miserable.

For a fleeting second, he realized that this was what Snape was feeling, and guilt purged him. It was his fault maybe, but Lily hadn't shared his feelings, and that put him in the clear. There at least, they we're still enemies. James pushed aside the empathy he felt for the Slytherin boy, forgetting the thoughts had ever crossed his mind.

James found his way to one of the arm chairs and sunk into it, watching Lily appear briefly out of the shelves and then disappear again. He was grateful for the next hour being his study period for the day, and then that there was lunch after that. It was the same for Lily too, but she obviously didn't care at this point as she browsed the millions of books that adorned the shelves.

After a while, Lily settled down with an armful of books while James sat there peacefully, knowing full well he should have been studying for the NEWTs, or finishing off one of his many assignments from his classes. Those could be done later though, he didn't know when next he would be able to just sit with her without be busy with something else. He'd much prefer being able to watch her.

Sitting there in their respective arm chairs, James decided that she looked much too cute when she was reading, chewing on the inside of her bottom lip and a small crease between her eyes. There was something in the way she sat, she was so sure of herself and so safe when she was locked in with the book. Be it a text book for school or a novel by one of her favourite authors, she seemed to be completely immersed in the writing in front of her, the small letters creating a new world and new opportunities for her.

He loved her simplicity. The way everything she saw made sense in some way, and how nothing was ever complicated. She had always been so shy and precious. Delicate and oddly boisterous all at once in the strangest way possible. It was like there was nothing to hate about her, and he was sure that was why she had never been able to make friends with any of those superficial girls in her dormitory.

They made him angry, they really did. They were unfair to her, only ever paying attention to Lily when he had been there to see them being nice. James wasn't stupid though. When they thought he wasn't watching, he saw how they ignored Lily. How they didn't recognize she even existed and breathed the same air as them. And yet, she had always accepted the fact with such grace, never had James ever seen her lose control around them. Her face always remaining smooth and calm like a lake on a warm spring day, not even a breeze rippling the glassy surface. For that, he admired her.

Soon he fell into a thoughtless, motionless trance, watching as Lily studied the pages of many books at once and the minutes passed as if seconds. Time always moved so fast around when they were together.

Suddenly, the bell was ringing sharply and it was lunch time. Lily walked over to James, who was still sitting in his chair, coming to a stop as she rested a hand on his wrist. "Thank you for bringing me here James, I really needed it." Her wavering smile matched her nervous words, there was a little bit of hysteria in her voice, along with uncertainty. Almost as if she was wondered her saying "Thank you" was appropriate or not.

James just grinned, "Any time," and she withdrew her hand hesitantly as he stood. The air locked around them, and they were frozen in place. Lily was so close to him she could smell his skin, and the crisp, fresh scent of his clean shirt.

Lily got the distinct feeling she was acting out a scene of a play, she knew every line and every action, the next move was terribly predictable. Frightened and skittering like a cat on ice Lily backed away, snapping the strings that had tied the together abruptly. There was disappointment shining in James' eyes, but his smile was still steady on his face.

It felt as if she needed to say something as she walked backwards from him, but the minute she opened her mouth James held up a hand to stop her. "I get it. Don't worry. Let's go to lunch."

Sighing in relief, Lily tried not to smile meekly at him as she picked up her things and shuffled out of the room.


	7. when gossip hits home

Lily banged open the room of a class room, her teeth ground together and her eyes locked in a piercing glare. James Potter was dead. So very dead.

"Potter?" she yelled out angrily into the black, digging her nails into the palm of her hands. She didn't know if she was angry with them or him. But it didn't really matter. All Lily needed was someone to vent her anger on. Someone who wouldn't hate her, or think she was being stupid. Someone who would smile at her in a way that wasn't at all condescending and make her angrier, just so she could get it all out.

... Lily was really losing it wasn't she? Head Girl, role model to students at Hogwarts, the grip on her sanity slowly getting weaker and weaker.

This might have been the great finale to her sane life, because if anything was going to drive her bonkers, it would be this. The outcome of her latest mistake, though she didn't regret making the error one bit. Which, in itself, was crazy.

"Yes, Lily-love?" The voice came from behind her, elegant and innocent, as if he had no idea what was wrong. Lily spun to face James, eyes crinkled in a hate-filled frown.

"You bastard!" she cried, crumpling her hands into tighter fists and raised them to beat against his chest angrily. "You bloody bastard! They all think- They all think that we're- We're! Just! Ugh!"

The angry fire that boiled her blood had cooked her brain too. Any concept of understandable speech was hopeless, blinding fury masked her vision to the outside world and her sane thoughts. All she did was hit and hit and hit. So mad at everything and nothing at all.

James merely released peals of rumbling laughter, "What did I do this time?"

She stopped her hitting, moving to jump up onto a desk top. "You let me skip class with you, you took me away for a full two hours. People noticed. They got the wrong idea."

Lily had turned from angry to embarrassed. Maybe she had acted irrationally, when she let it out like that it didn't seem like such a big deal. There had been more preposterous rumours about her...

This was silly, even for her. She knew it, but James didn't seem to think so. There was something in the way she had said it. Lily wasn't worried or mad because it was a rumour, but because it was so close to what they had, what they could have. That frightened both of them, for two entirely different reasons.

James stood in front of her, placing his hands on either side of her face to tilt it upwards. "I can make it go away. I'll tell them to stop talking. I'll make it all go away," he said sincerely, not knowing why it suddenly seemed like a big deal to him.

When Lily looked up at him to smile, he knew that this wasn't about silly stories, or about her skipping class. There was something else in this, he just couldn't figure it out. That anger hadn't been right, it hadn't fit the situation. If it was any other time Lily would've taken it out on the people who were talking, not on him. Unless she thought that it was him spreading the rumours, but why would he do that now?

"Ok," Lily whispered, feeling stupid and a little teary. "I'm sorry. I don't know why it's getting to me so bad."

He pulled her into a hug, his body wrapping around her, comforting and warming. This was home, this was important. If Lily lost this, she lost a part of herself. Maybe that's all she needed, a little reassurance that he wasn't going anywhere, not just yet. She just wanted to know that no matter what happened, how badly she acted, James would be there with a smile and open arms, ready to take her in and make everything better again.

Realizing that she had put that much faith into another was intimidating. Lily wondered if she had learned to be this trusting in someone by weakness of by strength. Had she just become too much for her own body to handle that she needed someone else to help ease the weight. Or had she been so confident that she knew, whoever she let in would not leave her a wreck if they ever left. She was valuable, she was strong. She was everything to another, they could be everything to her.

James muttered reassurances in her ear. It would all be okay, he didn't mind helping out, he should have thought first. He rubbed circles into her back with strong hands, stroking her hair every so often.

_Everything was going to be fine._

And Lily believed him. She saw right through everything she had thought before, and knew that James was right. Everything was going to be fine, so long as he was there to help her, to hold her.

- X -

"So people were gossiping about you and her, and you want me to help eliminate all blabber-mouths?" Sirius asked James with unbridled amusement showing in his face. This was unusual, James usually encouraged the rumours, as if hoping the impression that him and Lily were going out would make it the truth.

"Yes. At any cost. They must be stopped!"

"James, you sound like a muggle super-hero..." Remus supplied from behind a book, having immediately declared himself neutral on James and Sirius's conversation the minute they had came barreling in.

"I know! It's wonderful! I was reading this magazine called a ko-mick. Peter showed one to me! They're amazing! Except the pictures don't-"

"Yes, yes. Enough about the super-heroes," Sirius cut in, shaking his head and wondering why Peter had ever shown James the stupid comic. "How am I meant to get rid of the gossipers, Prongs?"

The questions left James dumb-founded. He had never thought of that. Normally he came up with the ultimate plan and the rest of the Marauders worked out the nitty-gritty bits.

"I don't know," James stuttered. "You'll think of something... Creative to do to them..."

Sirius smirked, filled with pure mischief, ideas racing through his head.

Remus looked up, noting the look his best friend's face and knowing that something bad would befall all those who spoke ill of James and Lily.

"Pads?" he called.

"Yeah Moony?" Sirius looked at Remus, his eyes were shadowed and his skin was pale. It was coming up to full moon, the stress of pulling them out of trouble would only make things harder to get through.

"Don't go over-board."

With a sagely nod, Sirius left the room, intent on fulfilling at least part of his goal before dinner. James turned to Remus and inclined his head, but said nothing. He was met with a sheepish look and then the top of a sandy blond head. He was just looking out for them, for all of them.

This is what made them the Marauders, the everlasting, unwavering loyalty and caring for each other. There was nothing girly or sappy about it, they loved each other like brothers, that would never change.

James smiled to himself and walked out too, maybe Peter would go down to the kitchens with him.

* * *

**i just realized, while writing this chapter, that i had yet to include the marauders in my story! ive thought about it before... but it was more about lily's pov... so i put it off. tho this came to me, and it was time for them to come in:D reviews are love ppl. cookies & ice-cream for all those wonderful, amazing, beautiful people who give reviews. and of course, many compliments... (if i remember :P)**


	8. Good News Bad News

"James, why do some people have giant pimply words on there foreheads?"

James blinked at Lily, dumbly refusing to answer, and then proceeded to shovel mashed potatoes into his mouth.

"I mean, I know that it was you or Sirius that did it. You've done this stuff before. I'm just asking why." Lily said, trying out her best puppy-dog eyes.

Remus sighed from across them, "He didn't tell you what he asked Sirius to do?"

"No… James, stop making stupid gestures. I don't care that you asked him for help. If that's what you did."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at James, who had been swinging his arms and pulling faces at Remus. "Mate. The jig is up."

James made a funny grunt and then deflated a little. His whole body slumping. "You should keep it down though," he murmured through his food. "Teachers always find out that we do these things."

"James, it's not that you talk about it. It's that you guys have been doing this sort of stuff for a while now. It's pretty obvious it's always going to be you."

There was more grunting noises from James before Peter flopped down next to him. He muttered his morose hello's and piled his plate up. Lily sensed something different about the round boy, who was normally so cheerful, but none of the others seemed to notice – or care.

"So who did the spell? It was done pretty brilliantly, just so you know. Madame Pomfrey can't get the writing off yet." Peter said in a futile attempt at regular conversation. Something had been fishy about him lately, James had noticed first. Then Remus, then Sirius.

But Sirius had just been convinced that Peter had found a girlfriend, and was trying to keep it secret.

"Sirius," James told him, with a quick glance in his direction, before getting back into his meal.

Lily abandoned her food for a minute, and watched how the boys interacted while pretending to pour herself some juice. There was definitely tension, a secret being kept from each other that no one was willing to talk about. It was almost like the place they were in didn't suit the conversation, publicity wasn't wanted.

She admired them for that. They had the courage to talk in private, to talk about secrets and intimate details. Lily had always wanted a friend like that, and with a quick look at James, she realized that she probably had one. There was just the frightening possibility that the person she wanted to talk about, was the person she would end up talking to.

Not really wanting to be around the four awkward, uncomfortable boys for much longer, Lily guzzled her juice and excused herself. Thanking Sirius and James before she left.

- X -

"So, why did you leave so suddenly at breakfast this morning? You didn't even finish your breakfast," James questioned Lily when he cornered her in the library in her free period before lunch.

She bit her lip and avoided his gaze, "I had some, uh, some stuff to take care of. Before class you know, didn't want to leave it till later." There was a laugh from James, and he grabbed her hand to pull her down one of the emptier aisles of books.

"You, are a terrible liar. You know that?" James asked, looking left and right suspiciously, checking whether the coast was clear or not.

"Yes, I did. What are you looking for?"

Someone appeared at the end of the row, and James moved them a few aisles up. "James, come on, what's going on?" Honestly, James was beginning to freak her out just a little.

Not much more than normal, she supposed, but it was very strange that he was looking for somewhere public, yet private for them to talk. Like he didn't want to be heard, but didn't want it to seem like they were up to no good if they were walked in on.

While he ventured to find a safer place to talk, because they obviously had something very serious to discuss, Lily wondered why she even bothered lying to him anymore. It wasn't as if he couldn't tell when she wasn't telling the truth, he had an in-built lie detector that came in handy when interrogating people. Sometimes, Lily swore he used it to do other things. Like look inside there heads and find there deepest darkest secrets. He and Sev had that in common, they were both very easy to talk to about anything, because nothing ever seemed stupid.

She shook the thoughts of her former friend from her mind, it would only hurt more later, and James finally settled on a nice little alcove that Lily had never seen before.

It was like James knew ever little corner of the school, exactly where to hide and where not to.

He let go of her and turned to face her. "We've been noticing, Peter's been acting strange lately. Disappearing, not talking much anymore, being really awkward and trying to talk about things that we don't normally talk about with people around."

James sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair - just like he used to when he got nervous. "You noticed. Didn't you? He asked about the spell, he asked who'd done it. We don't talk about the who. Only the why."

"You think something's going on with Peter?" Lily asked, worried that the other three boys might be in danger.

Covering his face with his hands, James grunted and then sighed again. "Maybe, I don't know. I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure about anything anymore."

There was something getting to him more than the issue with Peter, Lily realized. There was something else, someone else, screwing with his head, but she couldn't think of who would be able to do that. Sirius and Remus wouldn't be able to do that sort of thing, and he didn't spend time around many other people...

Come to think of it, he barely talked to anyone but Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily. And even though Lily preferred to stay out of other peoples business, their gossip, she had heard the rumours. There were things happening outside of Hogwarts, movements. James' parents were mentioned sometimes, as if they were part of it. Lily didn't know exactly, she never stuck around long enough to hear it, and get curious about it. But suddenly, all of it was piecing together.

The thing that was lurking outside of Hogwarts, their future, it was part of what was bothering James. Lily could sense it.

In the silence that had followed James' uncertainty, Lily spoke. "James, what's happened?"

There was no doubting her serious tone; she would get the truth out of him, whether he liked it or not. He wouldn't be able to stop himself, that James knew, but what if it wasn't the sort of thing that she should hear. What if she believed he was perfect, and normal, and hearing something tragic like what _had_ happened to him, would drive her away forever?

And then, James felt something inside him shift. He really didn't care. He was going to lose her one day, and if she couldn't handle a bit of bad news about his life, then maybe she wasn't really the girl for him anyway.

Lily gave him time to think, a pause to sort out his thoughts and feelings and store them in appropriate places before revealing the very heart of himself to her.

"A man is trying to take control of the wizarding world. A man called Lord Voldemort. He started this little war about six months ago, the first thing he did, was kill my grandparents. And then, my mum and dad."

* * *

_james needed big time tragedy, so you know, what better than his parents dying? and the whole potter family has to get killed off before they are. that's the reason harry was sent to the dursley's to live. bleh. enjoy, review. sorry the update took so long, i have no excuses._


	9. More Bad News and NonCliches

Lily backed away from James with a very confused look on her face, until the backs of her knees hit the edge of an arm chair. "Repeat that for me?" she said strongly, but feeling a bit light-headed. She didn't want to believe what she had heard, there was no way it was true.

"A man that goes by the name Lord Voldemort, is trying to take control of the wizarding world," James repeated.

Lily shook her head, "No, no. The part after that."

"My grandparents, and parents, were killed by him. Or the disaster that he caused. He set the house on fire, they couldn't escape it in time."

There was a large ball of cotton in each of Lily's ears, she heard some parts of what James said, but not all of it. Like it was being muffled. "How could I not know this James? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She was scared, scared for James, scared for the wizarding world. This could be something serious, and no one had talked to her about it before, she wanted to help, Lily knew she could help.

"I didn't want to worry you. It's much more serious than just a few killings. It's getting bigger, and bigger. It's starting to extend into the Muggle world. I didn't think you should wait much longer, you'd only end up hearing about it when you left the school. The Ministry is trying to hush it all up, so there isn't a panic. But you need to know the truth Lily, now you need to know what's going on."

The feeling in her head got worse, sheer terror built up in her chest. James knelt in front of her, placing his hands over her knees in a reassuring way. "But, my mum and dad. And Petunia. What if they. What if they..."

Lily couldn't cry, there was this invisible force stopping her from letting go of even one tear that was behind her eyes and clogging her throat up. Suprisingly, Lily didn't feel the need to cry about the notion of her parents and sister being hunted and killed. But the worry of it being a possibility froze all rational thinking for a second.

"Lily, look at me," James said, placing gentle fingers under her chin and a thumb over it, carefully tilting down her face to meet eye-to-eye. "They'll be alright."

Brown met green, and nothing happened. Lily wondered why there were no magnificent sparks flying or a buzz of electricity in the air, and she thought of why she wasn't more worried about her family right now. Why wasn't she running out of the school to Hogsmeade and going straight home to protect her family. That's what she was meant to do, she was one of the most brilliant witches in the school, that was her job - protecting her family.

Everything told her to stay right there - in the farthest corner of the library - just looking at James, because that was where she was really meant to be. Even though her family could have been in danger. But who's to say that this Lord Voldemort fellow wanted to go out and get _her_ parents. There was no proof that he wanted to murder the Muggles connected to her.

She wasn't well known inside Hogwarts, no one would know her outside of the school.

Lily felt the ice thaw, sensible thoughts flooded back into mind. "I'm being so stupid. He isn't going to come after my family, we aren't that important. Dad works with finances, mum stays at home and does stuff around the house," she said with a small smile. And that's what James liked to see.

"That's my girl," he whispered, and let go of her chin to give her an awkward hug.

"Thank you for telling me. I don't want to get out of here and realize that I'm completely blind to everything. I don't want my life to be like that."

James smiled back at her, and sat down on the chair next to hers. There were more questions in her eyes, he could sense them, see them, from a mile away.

"But what does this have to do with Peter?" Lily asked him, turning to face him properly.

"I don't know, we don't want to think anything is going on, it's just... There are rumours of recruitments happening here in Hogwarts. You know that he's not the strongest person in the world Lily. I don't want him to get roped in," James told her, but knew better than to say more on the topic. She nodded and stood up.

With a reassuring grin, Lily reached a hand to James. "Lunch time."

And tried to remember why she had ever hated him in the first place. He was too loyal to be as egotistical as she had once called him. Lily could only dream that she had friends like that.

As James' larger hand enclosed over her own, and Lily pulled him up, she knew that she did have a friend like that. And he was always right beside her.

- X -

It was funny, how whenever Lily was caught unaware, or in an embarrassing situation, one particular person would always appear. Always. It was almost as if there was a tiny little tracking device attached to her, like the ones that were in Muggle movies. And whenever she tripped, or stuttered or stumbled in, on or over anything, this certain boy would be right around the corner - just in time to witness the aftermath, and automatically knowing the cause.

Stupid of her to think that maybe just this once, James Potter would not make a sneaky entrance to her shame. Unfortunately, he had grown into the bad habit of creeping around the school, he had grow comfortable with light steps. Too comfortable.

"My, my," came a deep rumbling voice from a darkened corner behind Lily, and it was a wonder why she acted so startled. How did she not predict this?

"James! Thank goodness you're here!" Lily cried, momentarily forgetting that she had one leg stuck in a trick step, and that this was the first time it had ever happened.

(Preoccupied minds do not go well on stair cases that are famous for their one, leg swallowing step. But how was Lily to have known that by letting her mind wander towards the one person it shouldn't have been going towards, that she would suddenly find herself unable to bend her knee and climb the next step. Impossible to for-see that!)

James moved forward and sat a few stairs above where she sat, and where her foot was caught. "Wow Lily... Just... Wow." He was fighting back laughter - that was obvious.

"Come on James. Just get over the fact that I am who I am, and help me? Don't go blowing this way out of proportion like you normally do."

"But this is priceless Lily! You know these stairs better than anyone in the school. These are the very stairs that lead right towards the library!"

"Oh, shut it," Lily grumbled, and turned back around so she couldn't see him again. "You are evil and ungrateful. After all I've done for you!"

James gave up his futile attempts at flirtation, given her position, it was easy to guess she really wasn't in the mood for a little playful teasing. "And what have you done for me lately?"

He raised an eyebrow as she opened and closed her mouth, very much resembling a fish.

"Fine, so I haven't done anything for you. But I need your help. You know I don't ask for help often. This is a big step! Well... Not really, because it wasn't really that hard to do. That's not the point! The point is, I need out of this dreadful, evil step. And you are the only one in range, and in fit state to get me out. So please, please, _please_ just help me out here, for once?"

Blinking abruptly and feeling extremely astonished by Lily's rambling speech, James stood. For a moment, he thought of using trickery to use the circumstance to his advantage, and quickly dismissed the idea. She would just refuse help altogether, and sit there in defiance until someone else came along, or James gave in anyways - without a promise (or date).

With a sigh and a smile, he descended the few steps separating them, and reached both his hands down.

Except when she latched onto them, there was a different atmosphere, a different nature, about the way his hand so easily covered her own. Something that made Lily's heart pound harder than ever, something that filled her with anticipation of whatever would happen after she had been pulled free. For once in her life, she had forgotten to think about the near future.

It almost made her laugh aloud with the irony.

Gently, he twisted her to face him, and then pulled upwards. James deliberately drew her up slowly, and when her other foot was secure on the step above, she was easily freed. He didn't release her hands, Lily didn't release his either.

"Thank you," she whispered, refusing to acknowledge that their faces were far too close, and that her thoughts were entirely blank, except an animated image of her lips on his.

"Any time," was his husky reply. There were pictures of similar things present in his mind, but they were always there, secretly tucked away in the corner.

As he lowered his mouth, eyes half closed, Lily hesitated. This was what she wanted, and probably what she needed. Nothing felt right about it though, them, on the stairs, nighttime and during patrols. It felt too secret, too... Dirty mistress of her. Lily was sure that she was far from being a dirty mistress, but the semi-darkness and the silence of the castle could convince her otherwise. If they hid this part, what else would they start to hide?

There were some things made for the public, and the majority of him courting her had been done out where everyone could see. The school was noticing changes between them, if they were suddenly a couple over night, they would wonder what else had been happening between them. At night, alone, with nothing but the night and quiet to witness their actions.

"You know James," Lily began seriously, but couldn't finish what she was about to say, because his cool breath on her lips was muddling every coherent word.

"Yeah..." he breathed. "I know."

And instead of the mind-blowing kiss that Lily expected to recieve against her will, (and then would suddenly start enjoying and participating in), James pressed his mouth to her cheek and jogged back up the stairs. He called a hasty "Goodnight" and disappeared into the shadows, being typically mysterious.

Lily plopped back onto the step (avoiding the one that would eat her foot, again) and tried to remember the last time James had been one to ignore the cliche's in life.

And tried to remember when she had liked them.

* * *

_Heh. I wanted to totally blow Land-of-Perfect-World-Where-Lily-and-James-Get-Together-in-an-Unrealistic-and-Cliche'd-Way_ _out of the water. So by the not-kiss... I probably didn't do that! I hate that not having a cliche is a cliche in itself. _

_And I need to write more. Desperately. Considering school starts in a day, I will have more ideas. Isn't it silly that the people I hate at school are who I like to write about? Eh._

_Also, the not-kiss may be familiar to those obsessing over Elizabethtown like I am. _


	10. Stupid Boy

_Author's Note: Before I get started, I'd like to throw out a huge thank you to all the reviewers - you guys are wonderful, but it's hard for me to reply to all of your feedback. _

Lily rolled over in her bed, looking up at the dark canopy hanging over her head. Tucked inside her four-poster there was no way to tell what the time was, but she could still spy a sliver of moonlight across the floor through a gap in the curtains.

Normally, nothing in the world could keep Lily Evans awake at God knows what hour it was. When there was a bed, there was sleep. When there was sleep, there was peace. And all Lily wanted, was that peace.

But lately... Lately things had been different.

And she tried so hard to pretend it was the raised whispers about the dreaded future, the afterlife of Hogwarts, or the evil that was rising in the real world. Somethings were worth losing sleep over, but she felt foolish for knowing the real reason she couldn't sleep.

All those days ago, perhaps it had even been weeks, when James had kissed her and then acted like nothing had ever happened, Lily had tried to pass off her rattled nerves as something else. Except it was just a little hard to ignore now, especially since the event that had not happened only hours ago.

It was terribly hard for her to not think about all the possibilities. James was always there, he was always perfect. Always. Which was just a tad bit frightening from Lily's perspective.

She wasn't sure just how she would stop the flow of images when she saw him next. But Lily was dead-set on figuring out a way to do exactly that, and halt them.

It would also be nice, for them to stop appearing at stupid hours of the night (or morning) so she could get a few, measly hours of sleep - while she had the chance. But that obviously wasn't an option.

Lily supposed that it was a very bad thing that she was finding it impossible to not think about James.

A very bad thing indeed.

- X -

"Good morning Lily!" came the unmistakably happy cry from Sirius, and the only thing Lily could think to do was glare at him. He hissed in mock pain and gripped his chest.

"It burns!" he yelled, collapsing into the seat opposite hers, followed my James on his left, Remus on his right. Peter was missing again.

"Don't be so happy then," Lily said vehemently, quite proud that the power of her glower had made some impact on his insufferable good cheer.

"Lighten up a little Lils! It's morning! A new day! Anything could happen today! And then you'd be wishing you'd been a little more upbeat!"

Lily had moved her glare into her bowl of breakfast cereal, and heard a resounding thump as either James or Remus clobbered Sirius in the chest to make him shut up.

"Thank you," she grumbled, and scooped food into her mouth hastily.

James noted the dark circles around her bleary green eyes, guessing that she hadn't got much sleep. Trying not to smirk into his food, he bought up another subject - one which might make Lily a bit perkier.

"So, what do you reckon we'll be doing in Transfiguration today, Lily?" he asked, elbowing Remus when he opened his mouth to answer.

Lily didn't look up.

She didn't even show a sign that she had heard him.

"Lily?"

Still nothing.

Her hand was holding her head up, but her face was tilted downwards. Something around her jaw looked slack, and her shoulders were slumped. Apprehensive, James reached across the table carefully, calling out her name.

Gently prodding her arm, James almost died of fright when the hand holding her head up slipped from her forehead...

... And her face fell into the bowl of cereal.

Sirius, being Sirius, burst into an uproar of laughter; Remus let out a strangled laugh, trying not to be disrespectful to the girl who would beat him black and blue if she caught him laughing; and James stood up in shock.

Lily found it hard to sleep, and breath, when her face was in a bowl of cereal and milk. When she had risen from the bowl, a murderous look spread over her face. But one look at James' expression of horror, and everything seemed not as bad as it should have been. The hall was, pretty much, empty - so not many witnesses - and those who were there, were half asleep still.

Struggling with her grip on the glower and desperately trying not to laugh, Lily stood too and proceeded to stalk out of the Great Hall - leaving a shell-shocked James gaping at her back. But as soon as she had reached a small broom closet, Lily cracked too, laughing and laughing while mopping the milk out of her eyes, hair and cheeks.

Of course, she couldn't stay in the closet forever, she needed another shower and maybe a new tie. There was milk splattered across her front from where it had dribbled from her face, and Lily would rather not walk around smelling like dairy products for the rest of the day.

Biting her lip, and knowing the uncomfortable truth of why she had laughed instead of screamed or cried at James for what he had accidentally done, Lily headed back up to her dorm room to freshen up.

- X -

By the time lunch time had rolled around, James had already tried to apologize to Lily fifteen times before deciding that some things really were better left unsaid.

Of course, who ever had said that in the first place probably didn't mean apologies were better unsaid then, well, said.

The big point; James had tried and failed to say sorry. Not because he couldn't get it out due to fear or nerves, but because Lily couldn't seem to look at him without getting a strange, strangled look on her face and rushing off.

He also failed to realize that the situation at hand was a lot bigger than the face-landing-in-cereal matter. Though he was male, and some people suppose that men were decidedly dumber than women.

James simply thought that Lily was embarrassed by what had happened that morning; how she had allowed herself a small moment of weakness and he had some how ruined that for her.

Truthfully, she couldn't look at him without either feeling the deepest desire to laugh and laugh until her sides literally split, or because her brain went spastic, and had big, dark, blank patches and her stomach started clawing up into her mouth, every time he came into her line of sight. Which was a very, very worrying thing for Lily to learn at that point, because school was almost finished and she really had to throw all her energy into studying for NEWTs - not a stupid boy who had started making her feel extremely flustered.

Also by the time lunch had rolled around, Lily had decided that under no circumstances was she to reveal the disturbing fact that she was now some what infatuated with James Potter. It was a complete and utter contradiction of everything she had ever said and worked towards.

She also felt extremely stupid about the last few days, weeks, months, because she had been acting like an annoyingly love-sick teenage girl _without even knowing it_. Another disturbing fact.

Over half a ham and salad sandwich, Lily had made the concrete decision that it was probably best to ignore James for the rest of the term - at least until NEWTs were over and done with, when she didn't have to concentrate so hard on school things, and not on a stupid boy.

When he called her name from across the hall, and Lily's head snapped up in an immediate reaction to his voice, she wondered how no one else could notice how dreadfully obvious she was.

_A/N: Review beautiful people. (Author is extremely sorry about lack of updates, and also apologizes for extreme procrastinancy. If that's even a word. But she still loves you, the reader, very, very muchly, just has quite a bit to deal with now that school is back in full swing._ _Author is also extremely annoyed at some people at moment, and is dealing with things as best as she can - with terrible, angst ridden diary entries and watching television until her brain is numb from the no-thinking thing that can be done while watching said television. Thank you.)_


	11. Rambles Break The Girl of Avoidance

Yet again, Lily Evans had made the escape of the century.

They had been right in front of each other, for Merlin's sake! Somehow, she had just, disappeared!

It had happened so often over the past three days that it was really starting to get on James' nerves. He was a man of action! A man of saying how he felt, (and then some). A man that, while still manly, was romantic and treated women with the utmost respect and chivalry. (Because it was far from dead, in James' personal opinion.)

(Although it was 6 feet under to Sirius.)

But their moment of contact was so brief, Jame could barely remember it himself. He couldn't even recall how it had happened - how they had suddenly been face-to-face, breathing the same air and everything.

All he knew, was that there she was, stunning as usual; auburn hair, translucent, pale skin, perfection personified. Intoxicating, breath-taking.

And my goodness he really was turning into a sap.

Lily, on the other hand, was mentally slapping herself for being so careless. The avoiding thing had been going well! Kind of. Sort of.

Not really...

There was some strange magnetic force that drew James to her, it was frustrating that she couldn't just move on with her life and get him out of it. As well as the stupid little crush thing she seemed to have picked up. She was sure it was some sort of disease that went around the school. Potter-itis. Everyone seemed to have it sooner or later.

Lily just seemed to get it later, which was really, a pain in the buttocks. Especially since there was so much more to think about at the moment, like NEWTs and what she would do after Hogwarts.

Things were so complicated, it hurt her head to think about all her problems for too long. On the whole, Lily had turned her life into one, big, pathetic mess.

Sometimes she wondered if things would just be easier if she let James into her life, maybe as a friend, maybe more than that. Deep down, she supposed it would, he was a good person and she needed more of those sorts of people in her life. He would be a priceless friend, something she might never find again, and there she was - rejecting and avoiding him for all she was worth.

Plus, it was difficult ignoring and running away from James.

On the other hand, things might get even worse. Her heart might start beating even faster, her nerves would jangle and clank in her ears until the sound drowned out everything else. She might lose concentration, start falling behind in her classes due to reckless day-dreaming (if she gave up on her control, who was to say the rest of it wouldn't automatically fall out of place?), and then become a huge, fantastic failure.

Which was the worst thing possible since really all she wanted to do with her life was prove to the Muggle-hating Slytherins that she could make it. That she would make it.

She would, of course. Lily was not one for failing.

Ever.

At all.

Not in a million years.

Yet somehow, she couldn't help but think about letting her guard down, all the time. The walls she had built up were such a weight on her shoulders, and it used to ease off every so often, mainly during those late nights when she sat there with James, studying or just relaxing. Like he had taken away the worry, the panic, enforcing the knowledge that she would go on to do great things.

And then over the next day, Lily began to realize that she missed him, that it was a stupid idea to block him out, because she just stressed out more and more. He was like the drug that took away all the pain.

She would never forgive herself for being such a sap. But not for love. Lily accepted that James was an important part of her life, unique and reliable and perfect. Love was another matter entirely.

Lily sighed, rubbing her weary eyes with ink spattered fingertips. It was much too much. All the stress and thinking she had to do, that she was doing.

She expected wrinkles and grey hair within the week.

- X -

I give up, Lily thought, glancing across the library where James sat. I'm sick of being so stubborn.

She raised her book to cover her face, then lowered it a smidgen, so she could peer over it at times. The downfall of this was that every second line she felt the need to take a swift look at the messy-haired boy.

Unknowingly, she continued like this for a good few minutes, before realizing how idiotic she must look. Using all the self-control she possessed, Lily forced herself to read each line of an entire page without a single look away from the book.

James, it appeared, had noticed her strange behaviour before she had made a move to change it. When she feverishly looked up at him again, he was right in front of her table, smirking down at her.

Panic washed through Lily in an instant, feeling suddenly extremely foolish for ever giving into her silly little impulses. She resisted the urge to whack her head against the desk.

He watched her silently, trying not to snigger as a blush crept into her cheeks. The lack of conversation frustrated Lily, so she fought through haze and stupidity to find a few words. She suspected James would take it from there.

"Hello James," her voice was weary to her own ears. There was a slight sigh of relief in the way she said his name, already she was lighter.

"Good evening Lily," he rumbled. "I noticed you sitting over here, all alone, I thought I might offer some company."

There was another urge to thump her head to the desk, he would play the gentleman and beat around the bush. Stupid handsome boys.

"Of course, sit."

He smiled and instead of sitting across from her, trudged around the table to place himself into the seat next to her. Automatically, Lily felt her head spin from his smell. She tried to breathe in too much at once and her head emptied of all intelligent thoughts.

"I haven't seen you much this week," James said, unusually direct.

"Nope," Lily flipped the pages in her book and stared at the words. All her Gryffindor courage had abandoned ship, she could think of nothing when he sat there, looking at her (which she was sure he was doing, with those wide brown eyes and puppy-dog stare), smelling like he did and looking like he'd just stepped out of Witch Weekly's "Hottest Torso of the Month" section.

She hit herself mentally for ever thinking that, and casually eyed a very hard looking spot on the table.

"You don't like to talk much any more do you?"

"I never talked much in the beginning."

James huffed. "You're being stubborn."

Lily tore her eyes away from the book and the table to meet James' eyes squarely. There they were; wide, brown and all puppy like. Completely unfair.

"I know, I can't help it."

Her head screamed at her to say something, anything, that would lead to her saying something about not wanting to avoid him anymore. About doing quite the opposite, and maybe being there more than she normally would have been.

That was as far as her mind would let her get with the imagining part. Lily supposed the rest of it was classified, and not suitable for a conversation in the library.

Looking back at her book, she turned the page again.

"You didn't even read the last pages," James pointed out, Lily could feel the smile grow on his face.

"I did too." Again with the stubborn.

"You, are a horrible liar." Was it just her, or did his voice sound closer? She refused to look at him, look for him, maybe out of fear he would be too close, maybe because she was scared her mind was playing tricks on her.

"Whatever you say James," Lily muttered, taking a stab at nonchalance.

He sighed, obviously annoyed at her off-handed treatment of him.

"You can't even look at me... Is this about the breakfast thing? Because you know I said sorry for that about a thousand times. So many times that the word 'sorry' probably means nothing anymore. At least, not from me. Or is it something else. Like the stair thing? 'Cause I'm sorry about that too. I just have this weird habit for doing the wrong thing around you, and I can't help it. I've tried to change it, but that normally makes things worse, so I'm just going to try and, well, be normal which-"

"James!" Lily whispered, exasperated, "shut. Up."

She was looking at him now, and his shocked expression morphed into a smile. Before she could look away, he placed a warm hand on her cheek. He hoped both his strength and her want of contact between them would keep her looking at him. He hoped this very much, if that makes sense.

"Thank you, now. Would you care to explain you're need to avoid me all week?"

Lily regained the function of her brain momentarily, and used that time to use all sorts of curses on him and her. And then she stopped thinking altogether, because his hand on her already warm cheek was extremely distracting. Then there was the fact that to get his hand that close comfortably, he had moved forward and his face wasn't too far from hers at all.

Heart racing and cheeks reddening even more she managed to stutter, "You're evil."

James smiled. "No. Once again, you're just being stubborn."

"How?" Lily winced internally, her voice sounded so weak and pathetic and _breathy_. Ridiculous.

"This would go so much easier if you could just admit that you like me, even a little bit. I'm sure you'd be able to come to terms with your stuttering and stammering around me then."

Outraged that he would even think such a thing, even though he was dead-on, she retorted "You think very highly of yourself."

He smiled. "Yes, it's one of my many virtues. Or at least, I like to think so."

_How could someone so infuriating be so charming?_

"Now. Why is it that you've been avoiding me?" James questioned, asking like he'd simply forgotten an answer she'd already given him.

Lily felt his thumb begin to trace a line under her eye, it was a familiar gesture, though she was sure he'd never touched her like that before. He seemed so gentle as he smiled sweetly at her, the perfect picture of innocence.

As usual, she choked when trying to find the right words. But maybe that was all she needed to say, that she didn't know. Right then, in that moment, she had no idea why she would run away from him, from their little pocket of the universe that was always so wonderful.

Pure insanity some might call it.

"I honestly don't know," Lily decided on, proud that she sounded a little stronger, not quite as weak.

"Hm, that's a better answer than 'I hate your guts and never wanted to see you again', I suppose."

They laughed, softly, they couldn't forget that they were in the library, where the grouchy matron would scream if she heard them talking (or saw them sitting so close, but at that point, Lily was beyond caring). When his stopped abruptly, Lily's laugh petered out like silver bells, slowly drawn out to the very last ring.

And then it was quiet again, an intense look on his face and a confused one on hers. Without thought, James tilted his head and pressed his lips to hers.

Lily gasped, surprised though she knew she shouldn't have been, but the feeling of his warm mouth moving against hers had jolted her out of her safe little shell. It was different and new, even when she had been kissed by him before.

Only this time, it really was different. As her hands moved to his shoulders, and around his neck, and his cradled her face, Lily gave in to what surely, was meant to be. Everything felt right, like it was what she was meant to do.

James only pulled away to draw a quick breath, before kissing her again and again. He knew that this wasn't it, not the beginning of _them_ but it certainly was a start.

Somewhere, someone dropped a stack of books, large books by the earth-shattering sound it made. Lily pulled away, the crash bringing her back into the real world. James still held her face, his eyes half closed. She was in the real world, with her real thoughts suddenly all in place, where moments ago they had been all jumbled up.

James had been right. She had given in, and things had just, cleared for her.

With a smile, Lily leaned in again to kiss him lightly.

"I'm not going to avoid you anymore James," she whispered, then stood to collect all her belongings.

James slumped back in his chair, not really believing what had just happened.

_A/N: It was FINALLY time for Lily and James to have their first proper kiss. Yeah. I'm way not experienced in this stuff, so, a call to arms I guess you could call it. I really don't like writing about things in which I have little or no knowledge about. So, anyone who reads this part of my little ramble, who would like to help, it would be much appreciated. All I'm really after is a proper good kissing scene, where its all passionate and awesome, for me to mainly muck around with, just the setting not the actual act. Hah. I'm sounding really weird right now, but whatever.  
I will credit like crazy, and sponsor and promise to love forever. Not in the creepy "I wanna get in your pants" way but in the "I owe you so, so, sooooo much" way.  
Aaaand, I know I am a terrible horrible FanFiction author for not updating sooner, but I am extremely unstable with these posts and can not __be trusted with deadlines. Everything else I'm great with. XD _

_Whatever. Much love. Review. xo_


	12. Two Life Changing Sentences

_She was small and walking swiftly across the Entrance Hall, wanting to be outside as quickly as possible because she wasn't mean to shout indoors. James jogged next to her, laughing and saying things. They were nice things but they made her angry. Angry because he was probably lying -- James Potter never told the truth._

_Her skirt was flying around her knees, too long and definitely too big. Her tie flapped against her stomach, and her shoes slapped the stone flagged floor with a violence that she couldn't control. Her head was furious and full, screaming go, go, go! Just so she could be outside._

_But when she reached the giant, open doors, and crossed the threshold into the wide air and grassy hills that rolled to the lake, all of the angry disappeared. All at once, she felt overwhelmed, she was taller and it was pouring down with rain, her hair was longer and tied up, instead of the silly bob cut she had in first year._

_But the words that echoed from James' mouth were still the same. Just softer and more caring. Not childish and laughing._

_"We're going to be married one day."_

Lily woke up with a shudder in her heart. Not from cold, or heat, or sickness. It was too full of love and hope that it tried to create an extra beat between the regular ones. She had an instinct to laugh aloud, or cry. Hysteria branded her thoughts and she was wondering what their wedding would look like. She hoped it would be small, parents, close friends, siblings. A simple dress, and pretty, laced veil.

Her heart was in her throat and she couldn't figure out whether she should be excited or nervous about running into James today. But under no circumstances was she to run away, or purposely avoid him. At all. He was there, he wasn't anything, but he was there. And he wasn't going anywhere -- of that she was sure.

Dressing with certain care, Lily felt suddenly ridiculous. The boy was already in love with her, it didn't make any difference what she wore. He had seen her at her worst, and he still couldn't stop caring. Why was she putting so much effort in?

That reasonable little voice at the back of her head said that she wanted to look pretty for him. She wanted him to say "You look beautiful today" instead of just smiling at her. She wanted him to notice everything, she wanted him to know everything. Even the fact that she had put extra thought into the lip balm she chose that morning.

Seconds before she left the protection of her dormitory, she took one cleansing breath. It filled her lungs to the brim and cleared her head of any stray, silly thoughts of things like weddings and kisses.

- X -

He was waiting in the common room for her. He had been waiting there for an hour, just in case she had decided to go back on her word and start avoiding him by going to breakfast early. In a brief moment of sanity James had thought of letting her come to him, but he knew that she wouldn't ever make the first move. He would have to keep slowly nudging and nudging her until she stopped the ridiculous business of them not being together.

Everyone could see that they were made for each other.

And when Lily came trudging down the stairs, James had never been more glad to ignore the sane part of his brain. She was there, she was amazing, she was real. He watched as her eyes scoured the empty room before settling them on him. She blushed, he was well hidden, if she hadn't been looking hard, she wouldn't have spotted him. He was sitting on one of the big couches, but kneeling on it so he looked over the back, he had even crouched down so only his eyes and up were exposed next to his fingers clutching the cushioned fabric.

Pretending that she had never seem him, Lily started walking towards the portrait hole. Not ignoring, or avoiding, just knowing that she wasn't meant to be seeing him.

When she was outside, she breathed in again, not knowing that she had been holding her breath since she had seen his face. She almost screamed when a hand touched her shoulder and James' voice smothered the sweet silence that she had been relishing in. The feelings that she emitted when he was around seemed to ring like a bell. Audible only to her own ears.

"Good morning sunshine," James whispered in her ear, closer than she had expected.

Lily wanted to get her intentions out in the open straight away, there would be no secrets, there would be no lies. And at that moment, there was no them. Whatever had happened the night before was a one off thing for now. Just a little reminder that avoiding him was a stupid game and doesn't work, because he has his ways. Those ways over power her silly thoughts any day, but only when she was being an idiot.

"Just so you know, we are not a we. Okay? What happened last night wasn't us getting together. It doesn't feel right. We both know that it'll happen eventually, and I'm sorry that you're waiting even longer but I'm just not quite ready. Yet."

James seemed a little taken back, but wasn't disheartened. She would be his, in time. She already was his. Just not in the literal sense of the word -- mostly because no one knew. But they would. They'd know when he knew.

"Fine..." he sighed, glanced around and then pulled her into a spot where a suit of armor used to stand. "But that won't be until after NEWTs, and I know that you won't be around much because you like to study and you don't want people getting ideas in there heads."

Pressing her against the wall gently, just so she couldn't escape him, James kissed her softly. Lily tried not to move, she was stuck between wanting to just be with him and her instincts telling her it was a bad idea at the moment. He tasted like mint and smelled like soap, it would be impossible not to have this while she made up her mind about him. But she would live.

When he pulled away, he looked her in the eye. "I know I shouldn't say this right now, but I have to get it out there. Just in case it takes a while for you to decided when the time is right."

Lily was frightened, not for her life, but for her emotions. She didn't want to screw them up. Or the possibility of them. He was too important.

James held onto her face, cradling her cheeks in warm palms, he was afraid they were sweating.

"I just want you to know that I love you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine."

Her heart raced, her breath caught in her throat. She was sure she'd heard him say it before to her, but never so intimately. "I know," she said weakly. "Lets get to breakfast, I'm hungry."

Lily pulled away from his grip, feeling as if she was shaking and smiling and about to cry. James caught up to her in seconds, wrapped a friendly arm around her and said "For the love of Merlin, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

The tension drifted away, and friendship settled in. Lily could finally breathe.

_A/N: Another post after a long absence. Sorry. Mostly I'm too lazy to write, mostly I have no time. I'm hoping to start something new soon. I've had all these ideas buzzing around my head for so long -- I just never get the privacy I need to write. My parents are always hanging around. I'm getting my own computer at the end of the year, so maybe then I'll start posting more stuff for you guys. _

_Every time I write I think of you guys, the readers, and all the support you've given me. Thanks heaps. I'll try and update sooner than I have been. Try being the key word there._


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